I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize