does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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