I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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