So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
