We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
