I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
