If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
