1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
