Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize