Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
