in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
