She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
BRING THE BAGELS
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
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