I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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