I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Welp...herpes.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
