dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize