hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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