My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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