i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
