He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
