My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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