o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
