Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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