Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
The struggles of a small town man whore
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
