You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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