Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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