guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
