so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
