Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
