Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
