Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
