If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
