I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
then he tried to convert me to islam
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
