omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
