She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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