words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
