Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
