oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
