I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
