In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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