I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
