i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
