if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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