just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
