just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
