i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
