the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
