Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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