I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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