hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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