they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
