The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
God, I missed his penis.
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