We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
