3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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