I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
