Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
