i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
