You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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