Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
